While I wholeheartedly agree with the universal frustration and anger over the violence perpetrated at the hands of Ray Rice, the bungling of those in authority over how this was not (or was) properly handled and the questions and heated dialog surrounding the seeming “willingness” for Janay to justify her reasons for staying in the relationship with her now husband - there’s more to how I am feeling.
As I said, I am a survivor of abuse. When I was a child, my mother made choice after questionable choice, which landed us in a horror show of physical and the ensuing emotional and spiritual abuse at the hands of a man - her husband. I cannot begin to get inside the mind of my mother, her reasons, her learned behaviors and her fears that lead us there. What I can say is that one day, after what I assume was a long and deliberate internal battle, she left. We left. And by the grace of God we landed, alive and safe in the arms of family willing to take us in and provide safe haven. Decades later, I sit here contemplating my fate and the fate of so many women and children in similar circumstances. I marvel at those of us who were able to survive and thrive after facing such horrific circumstances and mourn and seethe at the fact that the majority of us do not.
My relationship with my mother was something that did not survive. But that sacrifice and others she made over the years which allowed me to heal at great expense to her own psyche, our relationship and many dark periods of my own, was worth it.
So when I see women and men, up in arms defending Janay’s reasons and a the social media wildfire spurred by the hashtag #whyIstay, I do not respond as many would expect I would - with an empathetic understanding as someone who has been there too.
Before I elaborate, I want to make it clear, that I do NOT blame Janay or any other woman who are "damaged" - emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually - as a result of years and years of victimization at the hands of those they trust. Those they love. Those they cannot imagine living without. No one deserves to have their basic right to personal safety and happiness taken away for any reason. Ever.
But it seems to me that some of the dialog supporting these women treads a slippery slope of justifying inaction, further victimization and pity. These women (and men, an often all too secret demographic) need to be raised up, supported, deprogrammed and shown what IS possible in life outside that deep hole of despair in which they live.
I know it is hard. I know it is usually a slow and painful process. And all too often wrought with mortal danger. But we cannot allow them to loose hope. When you are in that hole, hope cannot and must not be allowed to die. Because if we do, they are as good as - I’ll say it - dead. Without intervention, on behalf of the victim and/or the abuser, that is the only ending to the story.
In 6 months, I will welcome a beautiful and innocent little girl of my own to the world. Fortunately for us, with a WONDERFUL and lovely man at my side. One day she will ask questions. She will want to know where grandma and grandpa are and why they are not in our lives. This will be a hard day. But it will never be as hard as the day my mother scooped me up, walked out that door and never looked back. That is the story I want to share with her. That we always have a choice. There is always hope.
That if she finds herself in desperate circumstances that she can and must find the strength and a way home to those who truly love and will support her. That there must always be hope no matter how dark and scary it seems. Because without it, what’s the alternative?
This is the message that I wish to convey to all the Janay’s of the world with all the hope for healing and peace that my heart can muster...
